http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiFD6EFVsTg )
Sex. Say it again. Sex. Just let it sink in. Sexy, sexy sex. Let the sounds roll over your tongue for a bit. Ssseeexxxxxx.
…
Still nothing, huh?
Somehow, just “sex” isn’t enough to get our generation all hot and bothered anymore. (Which isn’t to say that sex isn’t normal and healthy. Viva la reverse cowgirl!) Technology has given our society some weird things to deal with, like glow-in-the-dark condoms, vibrator apps for your iPhone, or the word “sext.” If we delve deeper into the more sensual side of 21st century technology, we encounter the weirdest representation of modern-day sex that one could ever dream of: The fluffed and waxed world of internet pornography.
I hate to break it to Rick Santorum, but porn can play a big part in helping a person figure out their sexy side. With waning sex ed. in schools, kids with questions about their bodies might find it easiest to type “vagina” into Google and hope for the best. People may be defining their sexuality in the cold glow of their computer screen, and as I’m sure you know, XXX sites don’t often specialize in consensual sex in the missionary position. For the most part, that’s ok. If you like watching same-sex couples, go ahead! Do you like that one blowjob video with the three girls in pigtails all up on that one guy’s boner? Cool! Is looking at people spanking each other with rubber spatulas doing it for you? Have at it! Did you keep a straight face through watching pterodactyl porn*? Well… That might be an issue. Which leads me to my next point-
Just because it’s out there doesn’t mean it’s necessarily possible, or probable, or won’t get you slapped in the face. If you’re partnered with a dude, chances are his penis isn’t going to be that big. If you’re partnered with a lady, chances are she’s not that flexible. And no matter who you partner with, that “dirty talk” is going to sound weird the first couple times you try it.**
Overall, technology, by nature, makes things less real. Remember how the world both complained and rejoiced when breast implants started getting popular? “Oh, they’re so fake, but OMG BOOBS.” Now they look more natural than ever, and when combined with labiaplasty or vaginoplasty (Wiki it, folks), they can create the model sexual being***. I’m going to burst a lot of bubbles here:
Real sex isn’t like that.
You might lose your balance. People might have a gag reflex. There could be queefing. You might not have an orgasm. There should be condoms. People might prefer some happy-cuddly coitus instead of screaming your name and waking the roommate. It’ll probably be messy. You might want to discuss a safe word. And your O-face is probably hilarious.
BUT I DIGRESS.
Okay, time for the highlight reel of technology and sexuality (or #technsex, for when you tweet about this.) Technology might be your first experience with sex. That’s fine. It can help you figure out (parts of) what you like and don’t like within the confines of your locked room with the blinds down. However, don’t expect your actual bedtime romps to be like what you’ve seen in porn. To quote Holly Pervocracy, “It wasn’t until I got out in the sexual real world that I knew you could smile during sex.”
Smile on, kittens. Smile on.
*If you actually know the video to which I am referring, bless your soul. And call me later.
**By “first couple times,” I really mean “every. single. time.”
***Because according to porn, the model sexual being is a perky, young, blond virgin. Duh.